New Med, Therapy, and Beginning a Relationship

It's been a while since I wrote a very personal blog post.  I have been having trouble gathering my thoughts and putting them together into something somewhat clear.  But now, I feel like that is gone and I can express myself again.

I started a new antidepressant medication called Viibryd.  It is the newest, greatest drug on the market (according to my psychiatrist).  It is not classified as a SSRI, SNRI, or tricyclic antidepressant... but it is known to effect serotonin in the brain.  The first 2 weeks starting the medication was horrible.  I had severe side effects (restlessness/restless leg, confusion, difficulty sleeping, rapid heart rate, and jitteriness).  But I toughed it out until I titrated up to the known effective dose of 40mg.  After the first 2 weeks, the side effects lessened greatly.  I still have some heart palpitations, but nothing too bad... and definitely not worse than the palpitations I get when having a panic attack.  I am finally starting to see the positive effects of taking the Viibryd.  I feel less depressed, I am more assertive, and I feel like I have some control over my mood.  I am not going to lie... I am still somewhat depressed, but not like I was a month ago.  Rarely do I have thoughts of hurting myself or suicidal ideation.  I am hoping that I continue to feel better slowly but surely.  My manic/hypomanic symptoms have been under control with Seroquel XR and my anxiety is mostly under control with my Klonopin.  My self-injurious behaviors have been under control with naltrexone since starting it about 3 months ago.  I still have the thoughts now and again, but the urge and craving to cut or hurt myself is gone.  It makes me a little doped up, but it is worth it.  Though I do miss the actual activity of cutting myself.  Now, I hope, my depression will be under control with the Viibryd.  I am also taking Ambien for sleep, which probably makes me less depressed because I am actually sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night.  The only problem is that Viibryd does not have a patient assistance program at this point.  So I have to get samples from my doctor.

I don't know if it was the new med or what, but I am becoming more assertive.  I "fired" my therapist at The Kent Center last week.  She was doing nothing for me... using basic behavioral therapy.  Behavioral Therapy is usually used with low functioning, schizophrenic, or PTSD patients.  I told her from the beginning that I do better with CBT, DBT, or existential therapy.  But she never listened to me.  When Sadie, my ferret, passed away, she only let me talk about her for 10 minutes and then said that we have to talk about positive things like the beautiful trees and landscapes... and not focus on the negative.  She would cut me off in the middle of a story or whatever that was bothering me or making me feel bad and tell me to look at the fucking trees.  I swear, if she told me one more time to look at the beautiful trees, I would have gone outside, snapped a branch off, and whacked her in the head with it.  Ugh.  She also had me do homework assignments that she never looked at or talked about with me.  The last appointment I had with her, my homework was to fill a piece of paper with positive things about myself on one side and positive things about the world on the other side.  Even though I had told her that it doesn't work for me and I've done it in the past with no success.  I did it anyway and ended up throwing it into the garbage in front of her in anger.  At our last appointment, I decided it was time to tell her everything that was bothering me.  I cried throughout the whole appointment, but I told her that I get nothing out of the appointments with her, that I actually feel worse when I leave there, and that she doesn't even listen to me.  I told her that a good therapist will listen to their clients and then offer their opinion or advice after hearing what they had to say.  I told her that just because she is a lesbian doesn't mean she knows squat about transgender issues... and that my issues do not even surround my transition anymore.  She told me this one story during one of our first appointments about her friend "Amy" who is now called "Zack."  She said that her friend fell in love with a woman, and because she grew up conservative catholic, that she decided to become trans.  I was so shocked that she was telling me this personal story about someone I don't know and being so ignorant and unaccepting of her friend's identity.  Un-freaking-believable.  So... after crying and being assertive, my therapist told me that I can either ask for another therapist or go somewhere else to seek treatment.  I decided to make a few calls and am in the process of trying to find a new therapist.  But I am proud of myself for standing up and being assertive (something I would never have been able to do years or even months ago).  Except when I asked for a new therapist after seeing my FIRST therapist at The Kent Center.  He would actual say transphobic remarks to me in our sessions.  Trying to refer me to support groups for "people like you. you know, ones who have gone through the change."  And not just saying that once.  But saying the same thing multiple times when I would tell him over and over again that I need a group for people with bipolar, depression, anxiety, and/or isolation problems.  It's like... if you are intelligent, you can't possibly have a severe mental illness and be in crisis... therefore we'll put you on the back burner when it comes to getting a psychiatrist and a competent therapist.  I'm trying not to let that happen to me anymore.  I need some real professional treatment.

Another positive thing in my life right now is the presence of a cute bear boyfriend.  His name is Tom and we just started dating this week.  We talked online for about a month, had a few dates, and had some great and amazing conversations and connections.  The sex was amazing too.  So, we decided to be boyfriends... in an open relationship for now.  I am very happy about it.  He treats me like a prince... telling me how hot, smart, nice, and wonderful I am.  I am really scared about it too though.  I'm scared to open my heart up again.  I was hurt not too long ago and I am still mending from that "relationship" if you can call it that.  And Tom and I are going kind of fast.  We talked today about slowing it down.  I told him that I don't want things to stop, I want to keep seeing him.  I'm not backing off... I'm just not quite ready to move forward yet.  Hence the open relationship.  I don't think he likes that idea though... and is just doing it for me.  I'll probably scare off the nicest guy who's been interested in me for more than sex in a really really long time.  I don't know what I am doing.  I'm confused and scared.  It's hard.