on this year's transgender day of remembrance... thinking back to when i came out... not only did i have struggles within myself, but struggles i encountered from the community at RIC and at home and with my friends and family. i think, learning from other FTMs and the trans-positive people i met, i came to understand what it means to be myself. at first, it felt like (for me anyway) that all FTMs had to fit in certain boxes based on their desire for a medical transition (or what stage of medical transition they were in) and their sexual orientation. but as the time passes, the years come and go, i learned that i am just a person living on this earth... strong, passionate, and kind. born and raised female, identifying and living as male, i have a unique view on life. and i am just ME... i can use words to try and describe who i am: a transman, a bear cub, gay, submissive, a brother, a son, an uncle, a friend, an animal lover, etc., etc. but really, all i can say is that who i am comes from within, from within my heart and soul. my love for certain things masculine and feminine and androgynous is just who i am. i like stereotypical boy things like sports and video games. i am also stereotypically "girly" by being compassionate, good with children and animals, and being a kind and gentle person. but of course a girl can like sports and a boy can be gentle and kind. i don't believe in god, but i do believe i was born this way. i have always been a boy... even when i was living as a girl. but being raised as a girl has allowed me to express my feelings, to cry at sad movies, and to listen and be compassionate as a man. i am lucky in this sense. not too many boys are raised this way.
i am also thankful for the safety of my fellow transgender friends. i feel lucky that we have not met the fate that some other trans people have met. usually an overly violent and early death just for being themselves. i cried a little last night for all of the people who's names were read off the list due to their untimely, violent, and unnecessary murder that happened this year. i feel lucky that i can walk down the street here in RI and be who i am without any repercussions. i am usually seen in the light i want to be seen in. and the most i get from ignorant people is just the lack of understanding how i could possibly be a MAN who loves/has sex with other MEN. why would i "go through the change" as most of them said, if i am interested in being with men and not women. after explaining the difference between gender and sexual attraction, most people "get it." but i think i am also fortunate to have that outcome as well. the most hate i experienced was verbal or written attacks, college kids yelling "faggot" at me or writing "faggot" on the Rainbow Alliance office door, a "good" friend calling me a "freak," and the few people who continued to call me "Kelly" and "she" after asking them to change.
but with all that, i still consider myself a lucky man. i send positive energy to all my trans brothers and sisters and genderqueers. not one of us deserve the pain and suffering many trans people came to experience. i send positive energy out to the victim's families and friends as well. i hope that next year's list will be shorter or not exist at all. i can't wait for the day we will not have to have a day of remembrance.
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on a happier note, it was good to see some transpeople and allies that i had not seen in a while or just met in person for the first time yesterday. a shout out to bear providence and greg for coming to support our cause. my self esteem was lifted quite a bit just hearing about the welcoming i would probably receive from the bear community. and from the mild flirting of a very handsome gay bear. hehe. :-) no more excuses... i will go to the next free/low cost bear providence event!! and i can't wait for those t-bear/cub t-chirts to come out!! :-D
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