Things have been difficult lately. My father had a heart attack on Sunday. He is still in the hospital for observation and will be out of work for a month to recover. It was a major heart attack where they had to do an angioplasty and put 2 stents in his vein. It is really scary. Heart disease runs on his side of my family. Both of my grandparents had heart attacks and strokes that led to their death. We are lucky that my Mom was with him when it happened... because my Dad is a stubborn guy who can tough out anything. But the pain he had was so bad that even he agreed to go to the hospital. It's hard seeing my Dad laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires all over him. He is almost 56 years old. His mother died at 60 and his father in his early 70's. It worries me to think about my Dad's mortality. Time for some major life changes.... a new diet, medications, less/no alcohol, and taking it easy.
I know I have to be strong for my Dad (and my Mom). But it is difficult. I have been really depressed and anxious and this hasn't helped. But I know that I cannot hurt myself or go into the psych hospital or anything because I don't want to bring any more stress on my Dad.
I am taking some new medications. Pristiq, a new anti-depressant, is on the list. It's been a few months and I don't feel much of a change in my mood. I just started a higher dose of 200mg to see if that works before trying anything else. I am also taking Ambien for sleep now. It works great. I am falling asleep and waking up at decent hours. I still wake up throughout the night, but I am getting a decent amount of sleep. I also started a new medication called naltrexone. It is usually used for addiction to stop the cravings for alcohol or opiates. But it has been found to be useful in people who have self-injurious behaviors. So, it has been 3 weeks since starting it... and I haven't had the urge to cut or hurt myself since the first dose! I have had the thoughts, but very minor. But absolutely no cravings or urges to cut or hurt myself in any other way. I am glad that I am not having the urges... but I do miss it. I miss the feeling of hurting myself and what it does for me... the release of tension, the calmness I feel, the blood and the scars/marks... all make me feel good. I do miss that. But I know that I need to use better coping mechanisms than hurting myself.
That brings me to talking about my new therapist. She is okay... but definitely doesn't understand my anxiety and depression. She doesn't understand how much relationships with people affect me, my mood, and my anxiety. She is trying to use behavioral therapy, when I know that therapies like talk therapy, CBT, and existentialism work better for me. She also doesn't want to see me weekly... which sucks. But I will tell her at our next appointment that I need to see her weekly and the types of therapies that have worked for me in the past. One good thing about her is that she is understanding of the GLBT community (she is a lesbian). I hope things work out with her and that she takes what I tell her and helps me the best way possible. I don't want to end up in the hospital again... and I can feel myself heading down that road. I have suicidal thoughts, but no plan. I have friends that I make safety contracts with (meaning I promise them that I will be safe and not hurt myself for the day). And if I do feel like hurting myself or worse, I know I have people I can go to.
I need to find the right combination of medications and therapy to get better.
Right now I am in the appeal process of applying for SSDI. I was denied in the first application (just like everyone is), but both my doctors and lawyers are confident that I will be accepted during this appeal. I can't wait to get some income, and the backpay of course. I am thinking about moving to California once I get it. I'm gonna start checking out the costs and stuff and see if it looks feasible for me. I think getting out of this state for a little while would be good for me.
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